DISCERNMENT in RELATIONSHIPS~~
There are very few people in the world who really understand you – your deeper nature and the deeper qualities that you have that even you have not discovered. At the surface of your mind, you might find much agreement, but at a deeper level beneath the surface of your mind, there are only a few who would be able to really recognize you.
At a deeper level, you need a profound recognition. You need a true ally, not merely a friend. You need someone who recognizes your deeper nature and responds to this naturally. You do not have to perform for these people.
As you begin to take the steps to Knowledge, to the deeper intelligence… within you, your criteria for relationships will change. You will seek clarity and honesty. You will look for deeper values. You will look for more permanent values. You will look for greater integrity within people, greater sincerity, more substantial values.
Of course, this will rule out many people, even if they are very pleasant and very nice in a social sense. If they do not have this greater capacity within themselves or have not discovered this for themselves, well, then there will be no place for you to connect with them. You can understand them at the level of their circumstances or their personality; you might admire their appearance or their charms or their unique abilities, but the deeper connection will not be there. They are living at the surface, and you have gone beneath the surface.
You cannot wait for them or try to educate or enlighten them, for this will not be productive. You have to seek for people who are ready, willing and able to connect with you at this deeper level. If you try to improve someone else or bring them to this greater state of recognition, you will be wasting your time, which is precious and should not be wasted.
What you are really looking for here is Knowledge in others. You are no longer swayed by beauty, wealth and charm as you might have been before. Now you are listening for a deeper quality, a deeper spirituality, a deeper awareness. And surprisingly perhaps to you, you will not find it in many people.
You are looking for the evidence of Spirit in another, not just a conversation about Spirit, not just a liveliness in their personality. You are looking for something deeper in them because perhaps you have reached the point now where you are looking for something deeper in yourself, and you see that wittiness, charm, beauty and extravagance or even shared ideas, hobbies and so forth really is not it.
You are surprised you find there are very few people who seem to have this deeper quality that you can discern and that Knowledge within you really does not respond to many people at all. And you feel alone, and you wonder if there really is anyone else.
Here you have to be willing to be alone if you are to have this level of integrity within yourself. Here you have to be true to Knowledge. If Knowledge is not responding, you do not need to respond. You can be friendly, you can be courteous – that is valuable – but you must be reserved.
If there is nothing there, there is nothing there. And if you realize there is no value and there is only unfortunate consequence in amplifying the attractive features of a person at the surface of their existence, then you will have to face the reality that there are but a few that you can deeply connect with.
This will keep you from filling up your life with people and activities and involvements that really do not have anything important to offer and do not represent any serious or meaningful engagement for you. Here it is better to be largely alone than to have your life filled with people and engagements that have nothing to do with your greater purpose and destiny in the world.
Relationships take time. Serious relationships take a great deal of time. So many people are losing their lives, their time and their energy involved in relationships that have no greater capacity or greater destiny for them. Because they do not want to be alone, they are afraid that the person or the persons they are looking for truly may never arrive, so they will say to themselves, “Well, this relationship is not perfect, but if I wait, there may be nothing better for me.”
Beyond your need to go to work and to earn a living and to build your education for opportunities in the world, there is this greater destiny you have with certain people, and that is really what you are looking for.
But you must be patient. You must see that there is an appropriateness to when people appear in your life. Timing is very important.
Many people think they are ready for true partnership, but they do not know what it is for, and perhaps they are armoured against this realization. So if they met the right person, they would not be ready to participate with them, and this would produce a great and profound conflict.
You must be ready for a greater relationship. You must know where you are going. You must have a deeper sense of your purpose and destiny, even if it is not fully defined yet. It must be real and strong for you. You must be willing not to give yourself to other attractions. You must know enough not to give yourself to other seductions.
Part of your education here is really learning what does not work. It is more a process of elimination. As long as you are drawn by beauty, wealth, and charm, you do not yet have the discernment to see what is really meaningful and important. If you have never really felt a deep connection with another, do not think it is not possible and meant for you.
You have to have a sound relationship with your mind and your body. You have to develop your health. You have to develop your Pillar of Work. You have so many things to do now to build your foundation in life. You have the Steps to Knowledge to take to build your connection with Knowledge. No one should be pining away for a relationship when they have all of this work to do to build their foundation.
A relationship cannot take the place of this, ever. You cannot be waiting for someone to give you all the meaning and value of your life. For if you do not have this foundation, you will not be able to participate with them. You will not have the strength, the courage or the self-honesty to be able to participate with someone in a greater way. It will only be a relationship of convenience, a relationship of advantage, a relationship of attachment, a relationship filled with fantasies and expectations that will fail in the face of a real life.
People are attracted and then disappointed, constantly. They are not finding what they are really looking for in one another because they are not looking for the right things. They have not built the patience and the clarity and the discernment within themselves to really know what this means.
Discernment in relationships is very significant, for you can give your life away so very easily. It can be so easy to get involved and so difficult to free yourself later.
There are many seductions and many traps. They will teach you the consequences of choosing wrongly, of being attracted by meaningless things, of being seduced by others, by being trapped in relationships, held in place by someone else, unable to extricate themselves, sold on a relationship because there is nothing better or there is something there you want—financial security, beauty and charm, shared interests.
But none of these things really constitute a real connection with another. None of them speaks of a greater purpose and destiny in life. They are all momentary attractions, and if you commit yourself to momentary attractions, time will be very disappointing to you.
So you must have the strength, the faith and the confidence to wait, to look and listen. Do not shut people out. Really listen to them. Listen for Knowledge within yourself as you listen to them. If Knowledge is not responding beyond simple courtesy, you do not need to respond, nor should you.
Do not give yourself away to anyone until you have built this deeper foundation within yourself. Do not let impatience or compulsion drive you. Do not let the persuasions of others or the power of seduction drive you.
Take your time. Do not hurry into any relationship. Listen to others carefully, to hear what their presence in your life means, if it means anything at all.
If you are patient and observant, you will know. If you are reckless and compulsive, your life will be calamitous, and you will have a string of failed relationships or be circumscribed in an unhappy marriage or other arrangements with people.
The longer you are in a relationship that does not have this greater promise, the harder it will be to free yourself, for you will become dependent upon security and familiarity. You will need the person more than really want to be with them. And this is a dreadful trap, dreadful to the Spirit, dreadful in that it pre-empts you from finding your greater purpose and the individuals who will make all the difference in your discovery and expression of this purpose.
The right person is the right person. Now you must discern if they are ready for this and if you are ready for this. Then you must learn of their traits and their values to see if there is sufficient compatibility between you, to allow a relationship to be formed and sustained.
You may have a greater destiny, but that does not mean that you can function successfully together. You will have to wait and see. If you value your life, you will not want to give it away. You will not want to gamble it. You have nothing to lose by taking time to see. If this is really the person for you, they are not going to go away. You can afford to take time.
For a relationship to function in the world, it must have a sufficient degree of compatibility. That does not mean you are completely the same, of course not. But you must have compatibility regarding your values, regarding your lifestyle, regarding your use of money, regarding how you look at work, regarding, really, the Four Pillars of your life.
Here you cannot rehabilitate anyone, for they are either ready or they are not. They are either right or they are not. The relationship is going to work or it does not.
All this work that people do on their relationships is foolishness. It means the relationship does not work, and they are to keep trying to make it work, and they invest time and money and energy and sometimes a whole life into trying to make something work that really just does not work. They have no idea that if the relationship worked, they would not have to invest this kind of time. Yes, there are corrections and learning to be done and being together. But if you are always working on a relationship, it does not work. Spare yourself this fundamental lesson in life that can occupy so much of your life to learn.
Knowledge will know. But then you must find out the particulars of a person’s life to see if you can communicate, if you can share your values, if you can be together harmoniously.
Sometimes people are attracted to people very different from themselves, but these relationships are almost never successful. They require too much adjustment, too much conflict, too much disparity and too much personal adjustment.
If you are with someone whose values are very different from yours, you will never be comfortable with them, and your being together will never be smooth and easy.
This is not about falling in love. You can fall in love with someone you can never be in a relationship with. So infatuation or even recognition does not mean a relationship. This is another great lesson of life.
Perhaps you will fall in love with many people over the course of your life, but you cannot marry them all. Some are personality infatuations. Some represent relationships from the ancient past that you are now re-experiencing and want to experience again. And some represent real connections that could not be brought into being because the people were not ready or mature enough to participate effectively together. In the moment, you will not know what is what. So be careful about letting yourself become so infatuated with anyone.
Do not want and try to be in love. That is blind and foolish. There are many people who could excite the deeper passions of the heart with whom you could never function together.
People fall in love and get married without any idea of what they are doing in their lives or where they are going. They just assume if you are in love you should be married. It is a great mistake. You might feel spontaneous love for someone, but do not let yourself go overboard with that.
In relationship, you are choosing your primary influence. You are assigning the person to be your chief influence, your chief advisor. It is a practical arrangement, not just an emotional one.
Do not think if you work hard enough, if you love enough, you will make it all work. This is foolishness. You will have to work at relationship, certainly, to a degree. You will have to adapt, certainly, to a degree. You will have to relinquish some of your personal freedoms and recklessness to be in a real relationship, of course. You will have to be attentive. You will have to be honest. You will have to be engaged. But people take this to mean that they can make a relationship work with someone whom they want for themselves, and this is a cruel error.
If you feel like you are going to fall in love with someone, hold yourself back, keep your eyes open. This is a very important learning and very necessary for you to become mature and wise.
To be swept along by impressions and infatuations, to allow yourself to be seduced by others, to be overtaken by beauty, wealth or charm is such a form of self-betrayal. It is such a dangerous involvement. It has such profoundly difficult and unfortunate consequences.
You have to be very careful here. Who you associate with and how you associate with them has all the bearing for your life and the kind of life you have and the opportunities you have.
Likewise, do not become sexually engaged with anyone unless it represents a real partnership for you, for sexuality is a commitment by its very nature. You may think of it as a casual involvement, but emotionally it is never casual. Your relationship will never be the same. And if it cannot fulfill itself at a greater level, it will be disappointing, and that will generate resentment and failed expectations, disappointment.
Sexuality is wonderful with the right person and damaging with the wrong person. Never treat this lightly. Never think of this as a casual, recreational kind of involvement. To your body it is the real thing. To your emotions it is serious because it is consequential.
Here you may have to hold yourself back and learn to restrain yourself, or you will give yourself away recklessly, hopelessly and cause great damage. And as a result, you will never know what is really true within yourself.
People use each other so thoughtlessly in this regard and give themselves away so thoughtlessly in this regard. Particularly in the more free nations, the democratic nations, people have such access to each other that they can indulge themselves at great damage to themselves and to other people—damaging their own integrity and the integrity of another, playing with the affections of another, pretending to be serious when in fact they have no real intentions here. Do not play these games with yourself or with others, for they produce nothing but harm.
You will see through disappointment here that you really do have deeper intentions regarding relationships. You have a more serious intention here. And what is that? And what does that mean? What does that require? And what are you really looking for in another? And are you yourself ready to be in a relationship of a greater nature or are you only pretending and flirting?
People commit themselves before they are ready. They get married before they are ready. They give their life away before they even know what their life is for, where it is going or what it really means. This happens all the time.
Take your time. Look and listen to another.
People will tell you all about themselves right away: their behaviour, their intentions, their self-honesty, their interests, their values, their sincerity or lack of it, their self-awareness or lack of it. Do not be convinced by appearances. You must look deeper than this.
This will save your life. Later on, you will think back and say, “Oh my God, I could have married this person. Oh my God, I could have become involved with this person.” And if your life is really moving in the right direction, you will see what a calamity that would have been and how that would have used up such a great part of your life to try to get clear and to extricate yourself from that situation. And when you finally meet the people you need to meet, you will be so grateful you did not compromise before. You will be so grateful.
You take everything you are doing in life, and you ask yourself, “Fundamentally, is this what I really need to be doing?”
Every relationship, “Is this relationship helping me? Is it important for me now?” Everything! And you will have a deeper sense of it coming from Knowledge, way deep inside of you. Perhaps it will be a feeling. Perhaps it will be an image. Perhaps the answer will come a week from now. You have to keep asking and listening. You are asking for the Great Love to redeem you, to reunite you, and to put you in a position where your greater gifts can be realized and given to the world.
Only Knowledge can take you there. Knowledge can bring two people from opposite ends of the world together for a greater purpose. That is the power of the Great Love. And the Great Love is what the world needs now.”
~ Marshall V. Summers
excerpts from ‘Discernment in Relationships’