How to Choose a Lover~


By lover, I don’t mean merely an intimate partner or a sexual dalliance.

By lover, I mean a person who ravishes your entire being—mind, body, heart and soul.

By lover, I mean the person who takes your breath away and breathes life into your dreams. By lover, I mean the person whose body fits yours like a glove and in whose eyes you see eternity. By lover, I mean the person who captures your attention and captivates your being.

You see, it is easy to choose a physical lover—as the commercial reminds us, there’s an app for that. You can swipe your way to a booked social calendar and still live with an empty heart. Many view the quest for love as a numbers game…the more exposures you have to potential partners, the better your chances. While I see the rationale behind that, I believe that is far too simple.

To choose a lover like the one above is not a numbers game. It is birthed from a deep and raw place within the soul—a place where many of us rarely explore within ourselves and don’t really know. That is why we choose our lovers based on surface characteristics and miss the soulful connection our hearts are craving.

To choose a lover who is soul food is a process that first requires one to go within and explore the deepest parts of oneself. One must discover who they were before life told them who they should be. One must shine a light into the darkness, knowing that facing the demons that reside there is vital to self-discovery. One must be willing to touch the places that ache, the longing within and the call of the heart. One must be willing to be undone, to feel lost and to let go—of projections, expectations and all the things you think love should be.

Choosing this type of soulful lover is not like going to a buffet where you try a little of this and that until you find what pleases your palate and satiates your hunger. You will only find the soulful lover you seek when you have been willing to go through your own soulful process of discovery.

You see, the soulful lover is not likely to be found on the buffet line. The soulful lover is like the best diamonds that are kept in the jewelry store—kept in the back, in the safe where only the most serious of buyers gain access. The soulful lover is a hidden treasure that can be accessed only by those with the eyes to see beneath the surface and go deep into the soul.

To choose a lover, you must first choose yourself.

You choose to allow the destruction of enlightenment to have its way with your life. You choose to remain steadfast in your commitment to your highest good. You choose to retain the hope and belief in the divinity of the universe that will bring everything you need to you at the exact right time.

You do not run around, chasing love. You sit back and become love. You spread love wherever you go in whatever you do. You let love be your guide, your roadmap and your true north. Love begets love and what you give out is what you get back.

To choose a lover, you must know what you are seeking and trust that as Rumi stated, “what you seek is seeking you.” When you are deeply living from a place of authentic truth, you will find those who are doing the same. From that space, you will no longer be standing in a buffet line, tasting the options but will be following your bliss to the place you most desire and filling your plate with that which fulfills, sustains and enriches your being.

~Lisa Vallejos, PhD


11 thoughts on “How to Choose a Lover~

  1. In truth I only skimmed the article. Recently, i had reason to keep in mind that what one considers the definition of ‘lover’ to be may well vary. Way back in the 1980s my eldest sibling and only sister told me that where she went to college (uni in UK English) ‘lover’ meant a gay couple, either both men or both women. I looked it up online and read that it just means people who are dating each other. I often thought it meant someone I had sex with. I had at least one experience where I think I had decided someone was my lover but he was pretty sure we were not lovers due to differences in definitions of terms. From your definition, I’m not sure I have ever had a lover or would ever want one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rick Sands

    So if I understand you, what you are saying is you have to love yourself before you can find your lover but really if you love yourself you have already found your lover, if someone else wants to come along for the ride then they would be your sole mate no matter what their color, body shape, or other surface traits are.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. To me, the word ‘love’ is too loosely used today. I had always thought that ‘lovers’ were married couples, or couples who lived together, giving their 100%, or as much as possible, all the time. In short, the total commitment of a person to another person, as a preacher said long ago. That includes, patience, romance, laughter, sharing in each other’s suffering, helping, kindliness, forgiveness, rowing followed by happy making up, being sensitive to the other persons situations, trusting each other and not breaking the other persons trust in you, getting on together, in sickness and in health. And yes, the culmination of the just married couple, the night of the all-in-one-together ‘life-in’ bliss of paradisal heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

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