I’ve never had someone give me their all~ but this time that is all I will accept.…
The thing that I’ve realized is that I’ve never been with someone who has made me one of their priorities ~ and in that process I have poured 200% of myself into the relationship trying to make up for it.
But the actuality is that it never worked. Because one person can’t make up for the emotional or physical distance of another ~ no matter how hard we might try.
The reality is that I accepted less because at the time that was all I thought I was worthy of.
I thought that it was acceptable to be in a marriage where I did everything and got nothing in return.
I believed that it was normal to have men want to fuck me, but not want to give their hearts to me.
In the end, none of these relationships was the fault of my partner at the time ~ it was mine.
I doubted myself and my worthiness of love.
The truth that I realized, long after the fact, was that I didn’t fully love myself ~ and so, I never expected someone else to.
I was 50/50 with my own soul ~ so it seemed only natural to pick of pieces and breadcrumbs from those who tossed their meager offerings my way.
But I never felt truly satisfied ~ even when I felt the transparent shower of happiness from these shallow interactions.
It wasn’t until I was left alone with myself that I realized I was trying to seek outside validation of my own worth from these men.
I was relying on them to make me happy, to make me feel interesting and even depending upon them for the acceptance that I was physically attractive.
I needed to be left alone to realize that everything that I was seeking from others was precisely what I needed to discover within my own heart.
It took a long time to fall in love with myself ~ and to be at a point where I don’t feel the need to apologize for it anymore.
But now, not only do I know who I am and what I want ~ I also know what I deserve.
And this time ~ I want it all
Art: Vana Howell